22 DAYS- That’s how long I had in pregnancy bliss - the happiness and joy that comes after you are so desperately waiting for those 2 lines to appear on that little test. I took the test on January 2nd and was so ecstatic I couldn’t wait to tell my husband. I quickly wrapped up the test and put it into a leftover Christmas gift bag and had Brooklyn (my daughter) give it to her Daddy. Needless to say he was surprised. Yet, we were both scared to get too excited as we had discussed and planned for troubles getting pregnant again.
You see, I had complications with my first pregnancy due to fibroids that have haunted me for years. They required surgery to remove before we conceived and then grew back again and caused issues when I was pregnant with my baby girl. So coupled with my anxiety, I was nervous throughout my first pregnancy and even more so once I got that positive test the second time around. My doctors explained they weren’t sure if the fibroids will cause troubles conceiving or carrying to term for my next pregnancy.
Since we found out early this time around- at 4 weeks along (we didn’t find out until I was 7 weeks with Brooklyn) we decided to wait to tell family. It was so hard not to share the news with anyone as I was so excited in spite of my fears.
I was thrilled with the idea of Brooklyn being a big sister. I was thrilled to be a mommy times two. I started downloading pregnancy apps, rereading “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”, buying new fancy prenatals, and pinning pregnancy announcement and gender reveal ideas on Pinterest. I started talking to my baby and thinking about what we could do to make our spare bedroom a nursery. I was beyond petrified as I mentioned and didn’t want to get too excited in case something happened but I also wanted to be positive and hopeful. I must have taken 8 tests just to be sure.
Around week 5 I started having cramps and light spotting but was told it was normal and as long as I didn’t see any red blood I was ok. I asked for hcg tests just to make sure and my levels were rising and looked good and things seemed to be going as planned.
DAY 22- Our 1st ultrasound was scheduled on Brooklyn’s 2nd birthday. We planned to go in as a family after we took Brooklyn out for a little birthday celebration. I was so estatic to have her hear the heartbeat and see her little brother or sister on the screen. I would have been almost 8 weeks. As I lay there I didn’t hear anything. I didn’t see anything that I saw around the same time with Brooklyn. I tried to be positive and kept telling myself “It’s just those damn fibroids hiding the baby, everything will be okay and she’ll find it”. That didn’t happen. The x-ray tech turned off the machine and said, “I didn’t see anything I would want to see at this point” and had me change and go wait out in the waiting room for a radiologist to review the scans. Terrified my husband and I looked at each other as we both knew what was coming next but we didn’t say anything. We waited forever and finally the tech came out and had me go to my OB’s office for the results. We waited for over an hour for them to ultimately tell us they were still reviewing my scans and they would call us with the results. I cried I think more than I ever have in my whole life on that ride home.
I felt so empty. So depressed. So angry. I felt ashamed and stupid. How did I let myself get so attached knowing something like this could happen? How could I put my baby girl through this on her birthday of all days?
We got home and I finally got the call while I was trying to eat a little dinner. The doctor said they saw no signs of life and that I had to come in for a second scan to see if there were any changes the following week. She told me to not get my hopes up and prepare for the possibility of having a miscarriage and what to expect if that did happen.
I cried and cried and let myself be sad but then wiped my tears and hugged my little girl so tight that night. A couple days later we celebrated Brooklyn’s birthday with family and friends and I did my best to put on a brave face. Inside I was crumbling but it helped to talk to a few people privately about what was happening. It helped to talk about it and I was slowly digesting the idea that we were really having a miscarriage.
My next scan came around and I was hoping and praying and doing my best to stay positive in spite of all my fears. I read about people having bad first scans and then miracously getting a beautiful heartbeat on the next ultrasound and I prayed that would be our outcome, but I had prepared myself for the bad news. This time I didn’t cry as the tech turned off the machine with no good news for us. We once again went home broken-hearted without an image of our baby.
The next few days were hard. REALLY hard. I was still feeling pregnant, dealing with symptoms that we’re hard to swallow as I knew my body still thought I had a baby growing inside me. I was super naseuous and had severe pains and cramps creep in at night. I took Brooklyn to a music class and 3 of the moms there are super pregnant so that was a tough pill to swallow. I didn’t think that would be hard. It’s like bam all of a sudden everywhere you go there are pregnant women and things related to having a baby all around you. I deleted all my pregnancy apps and packed away the pregnancy books. I bawled when tucking away the “I’m a Big Sister” book I got for Brooklyn.
We got the confirmation that I did in fact have a miscarriage and that it probably happened early on in the pregnancy- too soon to be able to see the baby on the scans. My doctor explained due to my history I would have to have surgery to remove the “remains” (a D&C). Even though I was so scared to have surgery I was glad to have answers and some closure.
Aftermath: the surgery was fairly “easy” and so far I am doing really good physically. Yet, emotionally I am drained. My hormones are all over the place and I’m easily upset and crying at the drop of a hat. It’s hard to not blame yourself- was it something I ate? Was it the day I forgot to take my prenatal? Was it the day I ran outside when it was freezing and snowing? Was it that time I bumped my stomache on Brooke’s crib?
It’s hard because of course everyone feels terrible for what happened to you- but no one knows quite what to say unless they have experienced this kind of loss. Looking back, I wish I could go back and change how I reacted when I found out a relative and a friend had their miscarriages.
Yet, I’m doing my best to get back into a routine for Brooklyn and myself. I started working out again (I was so naseuous and depressed I stopped for a bit) and that has helped a lot. I’ve been reading a lot of blog posts and articles about others’ experiences with miscarriages and that is very therapeutic for me. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. That’s why I wanted to write about my own experience- in hopes I can help even one other person know they are not alone.
There are the stages of grief that everyone talks about and I have definitely experienced them the last couple of weeks. I was in denial and shock. I bargained with myself (e.g., what if I did this or didn’t do that?). I was angry. I was depressed. But I’m hopeful for the acceptance part of it all. I know the
pain will creep in and some days will be harder than others but I want to remain hopeful.
HOPE- At first, I was so angry I didn’t want to even think about trying again and then I was scared because what if this happens again and I can’t deal with the pain? But I’ve decided that I’m going to choose to hold on to HOPE. Hope for the future and that when the storm clears there will be a rainbow waiting for my little family.
Another thing that has helped me heal and gives me hope when I’m feeling really down is my belief that my grandma is rocking my baby up in heaven and that they both are now our guardian angels. I like to think that one day I’ll get to meet my little angel baby in heaven.
22 days- doesn’t seem like a lot in the scheme of things but it’s enough time to start planning for a lifetime of beautiful moments with your baby. At first, I felt bad that I was grieving the loss of a baby when I wasn’t that far along but as a nurse said to me, “losing a baby at any point sucks”. Allowing myself permission to grieve has been a big first step in allowing me to find some peace. It has enabled me to be hopeful for the chance to dream and plan for more precious moments with my rainbow baby.
I pray for all the mamas who have angel babies and all those who are wishing for positive pregnancy tests this year.
Lots of Love,
Kimberly
